I saw it…

Yesterday was my third Thanksgiving away from home. My first two were spent in Argentina. Yesterday I spent with my future in-laws. And let me just say that it’s such a blessing to have family on both sides who cook excellently. Not only can my mother-in-law-to-be cook an excellent Thanksgiving feast, but she can cook said feast for 12 people. It was a full table, and full stomaches afterward. Which led Sav and I to take a wonderful nap afterward. Thanksgiving naps rock.

While that was in fact the highlight of the day, there was one thing that I wanted to post about more than any other:

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Oh, yes. I love my fiancée very much. I was willing to sit through Twilight 2 months ago with her. One of the top 5 worst movies I’ve ever seen. New Moon probably only made it to the top 10 worst movies though. This was because it was definitely a best-effort.

Addendum: Sav wanted me to make it clear that we saw both movies in order to make fun of them.

Best-effort because it was as good as you’re going to get when you’re given a screenplay taken from a book written by Stephenie Meyer. The dialog was laughably awful (and laugh we did). And the dreadful puns made me want to bash my head in. Ok, we get it–werewolves are like big dogs, but that’s no reason to have crappy dialog. No reason.

Not quite as bad as the material from which this movie sprang from, but trying hard to reach that pit of awfulness, was the acting. My favorite actor was obviously Dakota Fanning as she was awesome. Too bad she only had 3 lines. (Ok, maybe it was more, but it wasn’t more than I can count on my two hands, maybe just one.) Second favorite actor?  Anna Kendrick. She plays Jessica. She’s hotter than Kristen Stewart. She can deliver a line without blinking 37 times. And Jessica is just plain cooler than Bella. I kinda think the third movie should take a page from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and have Jessica realize that the Cullens are vampires and go on a killing spree. Jacob could help her (more on that guy later). Of course, Jessica would have to kill Bella. Because Bella wants to be a vampire.

Now as disgusting as I thought it was that the producers would have 17-year-old Taylor Lautner taking steroids, or even just looking as if he had, out of the big three in this movie, he was the star. He was able to say his craptastic lines without blinking like an idiot (sorry Kristen and Robert–you cannot). Still, however star he was in the invariable cast of bad acting, was it completely necessary to have his shirt constantly off? Hearing adult women ogling him makes cringe. He’s a mere 17 years old ladies. In most states, that’s still illegal. That all said, I still think they could save this whole mess by having Jacob and Jessica kill everyone. Bella: dead. Edward: dead. Books: dead. Movies: saved.

However, that isn’t going to happen. Why? Because Bella wants to be a vampire. And nothing will stop the awfulness until she is a vampire. We’re powerless to watch Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson deliver bad lines badly. How hard is it to say 5 words without blinking?  Then again, maybe I haven’t caught the vision. Maybe the director told them, “You know, your characters really suck. I think they would be better played if you blinked once before each word. Yes, that’s better. And again after each word, so that’s twice between words. Yes, that makes your characters look more true to form. But we’re not quite there. Now see how many times you can blink while saying the words themselves.” The director was thrilled. “Kristen, you’re a master. You managed to blink 109 times in that 20 second scene. How do you do it?”  “It’s easy, Chris. I just try remembering my lines, and my head starts hurting, and I just blink.” “Amazing. Just amazing. But 109 times?” “Well, I sometimes it helps when I think about Robert’s left nipple, how it’s got that weird ring around it, and how it’s lower than the right one. Also how his treasure trail really looks good after the special effects crew adds the glistening effect to his chest.” “That’s true Kristen, but please don’t mention Pattison’s chest. I just had lunch, and I’d like to keep it down. I’ve been having nightmares for weeks now because of that scene.” R.P.: “Hey, has anyone seen my nipple cream?” (Blinks 35 times.) “Oh, and Taylor says that he needs more steroids.” Chris Weitz vomits.

I’m bored talking about New Moon. I am glad I saw it so that I can fairly say that it sucks. Good effort, but if Twilight will ever be more than crap, it’s going to need a new cast, and scrapping the books as screen play material.

by Stephanie Meyer
A more fitting book cover.

P.S. the soundtrack sucks.

Learn more about how Bella wants to be a vampire.

Currently listening to: “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse

2 thoughts on “I saw it…

  1. I got excited the moment I saw the title to your post. I wish I would have taken the time to do a real, in-depth review of New Moon… but my readers (*cough* friends) tend to get pretty testy when I go to far. No more Twilight for me. It’s starting to turn my brain to mush.

    Anyway, I’m glad someone took the time to dissect the horror that is New Moon.

    P.s. Bella: dead. Edward: dead. Books: dead. Movies: saved. (Best line ever.)

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